7 Rules You Must Follow to Pick a Better Diet Than Oprah
Well everyone, it’s that time of year!
Time to set broad, unrealistic goals with impossibly high expectations for yourself that typically involve your stubborn muffin top, your disastrous finances and abysmal organizational skills.
Now, when it comes to your weight, I’ve got you covered.
I completely understand the confusion out there when it comes to picking the best diet (heck, even Oprah has trouble losing weight!) so I’ve compiled the definitive list for you:
Alright! Then let’s dive in:
It should be extremely expensive.
When things are really, really expensive, they’re automatically worth it.
A sky high price tag gives a lot of legitimacy to a program that promises quick results in a short period of time.
Bonus point: if the plan has some sort of re-occurring charge that keeps you somewhat mentally committed and provides a monthly reminder on your Visa statement that you quit 30 days ago.
This also helps to keep your self-esteem low as you mentally kick yourself. This also makes it easier for savvy marketers to sell you on another expensive program.
The diet should do a really good job of taking away all your own instinctual, gut feelings about what you think is essentially “healthy” or “good for you”.
Also, the program should have no element of addressing your mindset, at all. Addressing mindset issues like mindless eating with behavioural change strategies are boring and require effort on your part.
Bonus points: black and white “rules” about what to eat and what not to eat.
It’s best if you give up all control and don’t have to think at all.
It should include supplements.
Preferably multiple supplements. The names of which seem familiar but you’re unable to pronounce properly, which allows you to feel superior to those who are not taking graphites, calcarea carb and natrum mur.
It should heavily rely on willpower and cause hunger on a daily basis.
This is so very important.
This will fuel the cycle of guilt and deprivation, because it seems like you’re failing, not the diet plan itself. This helps to keep your confidence low which makes it easier to sell you the next diet craze (again.)
It should absolutely promise too-good-to-be-true results with simply amazing before and after photos of people just like you!
Bonus: if it’s endorsed by a celebrity. Famous people don’t just put their names behind anything so this lends an incredible amount of credibility.
It should be completely impossible for you to follow in social settings, essentially rendering you a social pariah.
If your friends stop inviting you over for supper, you know you’re definitely on track.
Being on this diet will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Period. And if it’s not hard, then it’s not going to be effective and isn’t worth your time.
And lastly, take a step back and look at the whole marketing package: essentially, it should speak to your deep seated fear that you essentially are not whole or good enough to fuel your body with whole food on a daily basis.
Starting a plan that promises a quick fix-type of solution should provide you with a sense of false hope that a strict “diet” is the only solution to controlling your weight.
If you come across any advertisements for a diet plan that fits most of the above qualities then you are on the right track to a life of dieting, deprivation and despair, without ever really achieving any lasting results.
Not even Oprah can touch that.
April Saunders is a Registered Dietitian who has 10 years experience helping people break the cycle of feeling tired and overweight. She uses Personalized Meal Plans, Mindset Coaching and Accountability Structures to help clients lose weight slowly and steadily. But you probably wouldn’t like her approach. It’s a reasonable, lifestyle-based approach that gets results over time. Plus, she’s not a celebrity so no credibility factor.